College Life Part 2

Let’s pick up right where we left off. I finished my first year of college, I broke someone’s heart, and I was in a sorority. I was asked not to reach out to my high school sweetheart again and I obliged, because why would I continue to torture that poor man when I just wanted to party and have fun? So now its summertime, my high school friends and I do a senior week round 2, during which I am told by this guy who I had the hots for like a year now, that I made him wish he didn’t have a girlfriend. Hell for the first three days we were there I had no idea he even had one and I had turned the flirt ALL THE WAY UP. Anyway, never worked out with that guy for obvious reasons. That summer I also worked as a lifeguard at a public pool and had a fun little fling with one of my coworkers. This takes us pretty much to the end of the summer. I don’t remember anything of note happening besides that, but I had fun all the same. That brings us to sophomore year of college, still a chemistry major (not sure if I mentioned that), with an incredibly hard semester ahead of me. I probably started out strong, but it didn’t last. I was doing sorority things, scouting for boys, and partying because college, right? I shortly found myself a “boyfriend”. He was fun, and cute, and nerdy, and sweet. I had a really nice time with him for like two weeks, then I got bored. He had cuter friends that I was more interested in. That's kind of how I was back then, a short attention span with a wondering eye that was convinced that when i met the right guy i wouldn't be so easily distracted by a pleasing face. Homecoming rolled around (I have no idea if we were still together at this point, but it was about to end if we were) and because I was in a sorority, we had to make floats for the parade. We were paired with another sorority and fraternity, and it was there that I saw HER.

I was immediately drawn to her, like a moth to flame. She showed up with kittens… how am I supposed to resist a woman who shows up with kittens??? After that day, I practically obsessed over her. I made it my mission to find out what her name was and if anyone I was friends with knew her and could tell me about her. She consumed my thoughts and I had literally spoken to her for probably 5 seconds if at all. So like any sane person, I stalked her Facebook for more information. I saw her a few times after that around campus for various Greek life events and eventually messaged her. Much to my delight, she responded, and we got to chatting, we eventually met up and went on a date. I have no idea what we did, I have no recollection at this moment of our first date, our first kiss, or anything like that. What I can tell you was that I was SMITTEN. I was falling and falling fast. She had this energy about her that just drew me in, and she knew all the right things to say. I felt beautiful, I felt seen, I felt like i had found this epic love. We quickly opened up to each other, stayed up late talking about our childhoods and all the things that went wrong in our lives. Exes that hurt us (mostly her), family that made us feel less than (mostly her again) and as time went on, I started feeling sympathy towards her. I wanted to protect her and heal her and prove to her that I was someone she could love and trust and that I would never hurt her…red flags amiright? Either way, I was in deep, and I had no idea what I was in for. We very quickly started spending nights together, it got to a point where I practically lived in her apartment and not in my dorm. You know what they say about lesbians right? We were moving fast, it was a whirlwind romance, but it also scared me. I had never been with a woman before and I was terrified I wouldn't be able to satisfy her. I also grew up Roman Catholic, so I still had tons of shame surround sex and sexuality that was kind of buried in my subconscious. During these early months of our dating, she showed me so many knew things and as I got swept away in her, I started to drift away from the friends I had made my freshman year.

She was very jealous, especially of guys, because to her I was a straight woman who had a thing for her, just like her previous ex (who cheated…with a guy). So, for her sake I slowly stopped hanging out with all my guy friends. My bestie and I found an apartment for the next year within the first few months of school being back in session. Everything seemed like it was going well. I was smoking weed all the time because she was a low-key campus dealer, I was drinking and partying and having fun and I had my first ever girlfriend. Things slowly started changing after that first semester though. I was drifting away from everyone, family, friends, my sorority, and I was doing very poorly in all my classes. Granted, they were really hard classes, but I wasn't really trying. I was showing up to class high, I wasn't doing any of my school work, I was sleeping in class. I was basically failing the semester, I withdrew from two of my classes and failed another outright. This was all because I was consumed by my relationship. I lost myself completely.

My sorority basically kicked me out because I was showing up to events high and my best friend told me she wasn’t coming back for the following year because she was homesick and wanted to go to an art school near home. Instead of being a supportive friend (not that she was much of one either) I got mad at her. Like her decision to move home was a direct insult against me, I was furious and hurt and with my girlfriend’s persuasion I very easily ended that friendship. I knew that she had been a bit of a crappy friend while we were in college but I’m sure I wasn’t a much better one especially after I started this relationship, so we just stopped talking after that. Eventually every friend that I had made before I met her, I had lost (with very few exceptions), my friends were her friends now. Towards the end of the school year, it probably became apparent to those around us that we were in a very unhealthy relationship. To me though, I was in love, and I wasn’t loving her hard enough, so I just tried harder. I tried to change who I was to be what she wanted and needed me to be. It wasn’t until I was home for the summer that what was happening to me was brought to my attention by my mother. You see, my sister had been in an abusive relationship when she was in high school and some of college. I told my mom that if I ever started acting how she acted during that relationship to tell me. I spent entirely too much of that summer crying and apologizing for not being more available to my girlfriend. She would yell at me for not texting her enough, accuse me of cheating on her while I was home, tell me my family was trying to beak us up. When my mom told me I was acting like my sister, I immediately became aware of the crappy relationship that I was in. Yet, I still didn’t break up with her, I made some excuses to my mom about how this was completely different, and even though deep down I knew she was right, I just couldn’t let go. This is where I am going to leave the story for now, a bit of a cliff hanger I know. I won’t apologize for that, you’ll just have to come back and read the next installment of my college years saga. Bet you didn’t think this post would be the introduction to how I met my abuser. It’s really crazy to think about for me sometimes, I was so drawn to her, there was so much passion and love in the beginning, its hard to believe that I was being fooled by her. She had this raw magnetism and charm about her that just made you want to please her, apparently that’s something most narcissists have in common, but I didn’t know that at the time. Anyway, next post is all about junior year and boy do things start getting crazy. I hope you are enjoying this series so far and if you are in this type of situation, please know that you are not alone. With all the light and love, Alyse