Update on Life in General

If you have been reading from the beginning you'll already know some of the things I'm about to get into. I previously talked about how I have been struggling to maintain a workout regimen, and how I have been trying to change the way I speak to myself internally when it comes to my appearance. That being said, this is an update on how those things have been going for me as well as how I have been feeling after my meditation and healing journey from the last post. Enjoy (:

Since I did that exercise last weekend, I have been feeling good for the most part. My emotions have been more stable, and I haven’t had any major lows. It’s been nice honestly. This week my boyfriend, our sisters, and I have been trying to get 10,000 steps every day. Let me tell you that this is hard for me. I think before this I was averaging like 3,000 steps a day or something pathetic, I also haven’t been wearing my watch, so I guess that was a contributing factor but let’s be honest, I wasn’t doing much walking. Most of my job is desk work, and while I do get the chance to go out in the field, it’s not every day and its more driving than walking. Anyway, 10,000 steps is something that I have had to put significant effort into to achieve, but I like doing it and I feel great. I’ve been working out 4-5 days a week as well, and I’m getting to the point where if I miss a day, I actually miss it. I end up wanting to get another work out in over the weekend which I usually don’t EVER want to do (shizz is getting crazy, like who am I?). I am getting to the point in my workout regimen that it is becoming routine and habit and that even though I don’t want to do it I kind of do. It’s a weird thing for me because I have always despised most forms of exercise. Anyway, this is a bit of a revelation that I have made about myself in the past couple weeks. I’m practically turning into a workout junky, and I don’t know how to feel about it, the walking extra is only adding to this as well. I would also like to state for the record that it has taken me several months to get to this point. It is still hard to get myself motivated to work out when I’m not feeling it, and on those days, I tend to go for something easier like yoga or something but being fit and active is really working wonders on my mental health and overall mood lately.

Another thing about being in this steady workout routine is that I am feeling impatient for results. I am starting to see them, and I am proud of the work I am putting in because I feel stronger, but I also feel like I am not seeing them fast enough. I am stuck in the instant gratification mindset. I need to remember to be patient with myself. I am not going to get a flat tummy and trim thighs overnight. I am putting the work in and now I need to keep being consistent with it. Who knows, maybe by this time next year I will be lean and fit and looking like I want to be, but the only way to get there is to not give up. In the twelve years (holy crap that’s a long time) since I graduated high school and stopped working out regularly, I have struggled to maintain a consistent workout regimen. I’d go weeks/months, hell probably even years without working out and then get on a kick where I do it for a few weeks maybe even a month or two and then I just fall off. I couldn’t stay consistent, finally it felt like something clicked. I don’t really know what it was, I just knew that I didn’t want to become a sedentary person who spent most of their time on the couch. I want to hike and explore and create things. I want to be active and not need breaks while walking because my body doesn’t know how to move anymore. I’m not saying that I was at or getting close to that point, but I am getting older, and I don’t want a sedentary life for myself.

Something else I noticed this week was how I have been talking to myself about my looks. I want to feel confident and comfortable in my body wearing whatever I feel like. As much as working out and toning my body will help with that, I also need to work on my attitude towards myself. Lately it seems like I am finding more faults than before. I’m not necessarily talking to myself in a more negative tone, but I am letting the negative thoughts win. There are just certain things that I don’t like about my physical body, and it is so hard for me to change the way I see myself. It’s difficult to look at my cellulite, dimpled knees, and huge calves and think that I am beautiful. I get a little frustrated about not being kinder to myself, but this is a deeply seeded thought process that I have to work significantly harder at to overcome. I have gotten away from stopping those negative thoughts in their tracks and replacing them with positive thoughts. I don’t want to be surrounded with these thoughts and energies that I am not attractive or pretty enough because I know that its false and I don’t want to attract that kind of energy to myself. I’m not saying in this that working out will change my mentality because it won’t. I need to change my mentality, to be confident and accepting of myself as I am while continuing to make myself better. Its about having a healthy mindset and a healthy body because it won’t matter how I look if I don’t change the way I view myself. I think that its time for me to do some serious healing work when it comes to body image. I’m not sure when I will make the time for this healing but when I do, I will go through it and describe how I went about healing this aspect of myself. It’s not something that will change overnight, but I have to get to the root of the issue and heal that as well as noticing this behavior and actively changing it. Gotta rewire the brain y’all.

With all the Light and Love,

Alyse