College Life Part 3

Junior year starts and I was supposed to be living with a friend but like I mentioned in my last post she bailed, transferred to a place closer to home. Honestly, I can’t say I blamed her. I was homesick too, but, I was also slowly being isolated by my gf sooooo... Idk if she ever saw that before she left, if she ever noticed that I was getting deeper and deeper into a toxic relationship that would likely ruin me. It’s more than likely she didn’t though, I mean we are all self-absorbed idiots at that age, right? I know I was. Anyway, I had an apartment with some girl I didn’t know because my friend had sublet it and my girlfriend, and I would sometimes switch back and forth staying at her place or staying at mine for a little while anyway. We didn’t stay there very often to be honest. Her place was the party house, it was above a tattoo shop, and she had like 7 roommates. It was an awesome place. As the year progressed, we started fighting more often about anything and everything. She had some lingering trauma and insecurities from her past and she took them out on me, like she wouldn’t hold my hand in public. She said it was because she didn’t want me to be subjected to the same things she was when she was younger. She was convinced I would cheat on her with a guy because that’s what her last gf did. She also had this way of tearing me down, telling me how incompetent I was because I was clumsy, telling me she was embarrassed of me for dancing in the supermarket. She made me make myself smaller. She slowly took all my joy, made my happiness reliant on her good graces. I had to walk on eggshells, because she had bipolar depression, and I never knew what I would be getting myself into.

Christmas rolls around and I went home for it. She had mentioned that she wanted a ring, a promise ring, an engagement ring idk but she wanted one. So, I looked for one, I ordered one, it wasn’t crazy expensive because I was a broke college kid, but I got her something I thought she would like. She was more on the masculine side, she didn’t do blingy jewelry, I got her a simple band with some “diamonds” in it. When I got back from break, I gave it to her. I don’t remember if it was a Christmas gift or a just because I know you want it gift, but I was nervous as hell giving it to her. So much so that that I literally said handed it to her and went “here” and when she asked me “what is this for?” I was like “I don’t know..” and she fucking lost it. We fought about it for DAYS. I got her exactly what she wanted but because I didn’t say something sweet when I gave it to her, it was the worst possible thing I could have done. She threw it in a drawer and never wore it once. Now, I know that I should have said something, I should have been like oh it’s because I love you or something along those lines but 1. I was an idiot, and 2. I was only giving it to her to try to make her happy and receive the love and praise that would go along with getting her something she wanted. When faced with the question of “why did you get this for me?”, I genuinely did not know how to answer, I didn’t want to fight, I didn’t want to lie to her, I just wanted her to love me but all I knew at the time was you want this so here you go.

Shortly after that fiasco, my apartment burned down. Luckily, I had a duffle bag of clothes and my school things at her place because I hadn’t actually gone back to my apartment after the break. I spent most of my time with her at her apartment, which was good because otherwise I might not have survived that fire. I lost a lot of stuff. Sentimental things from high school mostly, like my class ring and some gear. Things started getting worse after that though, I was kind of trapped with her. I didn’t have somewhere to go when the fights got bad. So, when she shoved her fingers in my mouth and asked me if I missed sucking dick, I didn’t have anywhere to run to but the couch. (To finish that story, I bit her fingers because she was literally gagging me, and she said I bit her so hard I broke them, she said she went and got them x-rayed the next day and they were broken, I didn’t even break the skin. I don’t think they were even bruised. But I fell into her trap like an idiot. She said it to make me feel bad, to gaslight me into thinking that I was the bad guy for biting her not her being the bad guy for shoving her fingers in my mouth in the first place.)

There was another fight that I remember vividly (there are only a couple that I do). I met her and our friends at the bar after work, she was very drunk by the time I got there, and I was obviously sober. She started trying to pull my shirt off in the middle of the bar. Obviously, I stopped her and she got mad at me! She stormed out of the bar, and like the idiot I was at the time I chased after her. At one point in our fight back to the apartment she told me I was “lucky to have someone so attracted to me that they would want to undress me in the bar.” (LMAO WTF, like who says that to someone?? Like I’m some hideous troll that is lucky to have one person in the whole world think I’m attractive. Excuse me????). We kept fighting all the way back to the apartment and when we got out front, she told me to go home, knowing that my apartment had just burned down. At the time it was probably one of the worst things she could have said to me at that moment in time. And still, I stayed.

At this point, I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I had been isolated from all the friends I had made over the previous two years, all I had were her, her friends, and the few friends I made where I worked. I wasn’t close enough with any of them to ask to live with them. It was really wild the things I would put up with to stay with her. The name calling, the degradation, the gaslighting. I mean she used to get mad at me if I fell asleep first at night!! Like who does that???? She would force me to rub her until she fell asleep and if I fell asleep first it was like the end of the world. Her reasoning was that if I loved her enough, I would stay awake until she fell asleep and me sleeping first meant I didn’t. Clearly, she was trying to control every aspect of my life, and those that she didn’t have any control over she tried to take credit for. I had changed my major a few times at this point and when I finally settled on biology, she was like you’re lucky you had me around to point you in this direction, like me deciding what my major would be had anything to do with her. I was getting beaten down at this point. Nothing I ever did was enough for her. If I didn’t do something sweet or romantic for her I was an asshole and if I did do something sweet for her it was only because she said she wanted it, and I was still the asshole. Gifts I got her weren’t expensive or thoughtful enough.

That summer I didn’t go home. I worked through the summer at a bar (I was a cook) and I stayed at her apartment with her. I think I did this because I was afraid to go home. Afraid of my parents seeing me the way I was, afraid of what she would do or say if I left. So, I stayed and used working as my excuse. I hardly remember that summer. I’m sure we fought through most of it. I also think that this summer my family went on a camping trip and invited her to go with us. She made it hell for us. She was convinced my parents hated her (which to be fair they probably did but it was because of how she treated me so you can’t really blame them) even though they treated her nicely. She threatened to leave a bunch of times. I honestly should have let her, but I didn’t. It was a horrendous vacation.

One thing that I will state about abusive relationships is that there are good times, especially in the beginning. I had felt like I had this connection with her that I couldn’t have had with anyone else. I felt like she understood me on a level that no one else could. The good times were so good, and I felt so special and loved. I also had slowly been tricked into thinking that I was nothing without her. She made me think I was crazy. She gaslit me so effectively that I would legitimately be like “wait, did I say that? I don’t remember but if she says I did than I must have.” I had no self-esteem by this point in our relationship and I was completely reliant on her complementing me to feel good about myself in any way. It’s scary how dependent you get on someone without even realizing it. So, before you judge someone i.e., me, for staying with an abusive partner for so long just remember that we were made to feel crazy, we were made to be reliant on them, we were picked apart slowly and by the time we realized what was happening we felt helpless and hopeless.

I hope that this gives people who have never dealt with something like this insight into what it's like being in a relationship like this. If reading this helped you realize that you're in a situation you need help getting out of, reach out to someone, ANYONE, and ask for help. Chances are that your family or friends are waiting in the wings ready to help. Be kind to each other, you never know what some one is dealing with behind closed doors.

With all the light and love,

Alyse